A Message From the CDC

Greetings from the Medical Propaganda division of the Ministry of Truthiness, otherwise known as the CDC! Recently we’ve been forced to admit that we lied when we said the Glorious Goo could stop the Worst Disease Ever, like conspiracy theorists were saying we were lying about a year ago. But that doesn’t mean The Science™ was wrong – far from it! It just means we couldn’t have known we were lying, and The Science™ has changed. So we’re going make sure that doesn’t happen again. Here’s how:

Before we get started, we want to assure you that just because we agree with those pesky conspiracy theorists who said the Glorious Goo couldn’t stop the Worst Disease Ever, it doesn’t mean that we are conspiracy theorists. When we say something, it’s automatically true, but when somebody we don’t like says something, it’s a conspiracy theory. You see, it’s all a matter of timing: we can’t let people tell the truth before we do.

Now, on to our plan for rebuilding our credibility. We can’t let inconvenient facts get in our way again, so we’re going to make sure we have even better control of the facts. We’re going to make sure other government agencies and state governments pay better attention to us and obey our diktats at all times. No more pesky states like Florida ignoring us!

Then we’re going to make sure our Fearless Leader has more direct control over our research departments. That way she can really make sure they come up with The Science™ that agrees not with reality, but with our agenda for total control of the population.

With these and other measures, we’re going to eliminate any remaining pockets of factual dissent. That way we can Build Back Better at the CDC, in accordance with the philosophy of our spiritual adviser, Der Schwabenklaus. If all goes well, we’ll never again have to admit we were wrong, and you’ll never again be unsure of our authority about The Science™.