Key Phrases for Cult Members

Greetings, obedient serfs! We at the Ministry of Truthiness have told you in previous messages about some of the key phrases you can use to help us spread our propaganda. But we thought it would make it easier on you to collect them all in one place. Memorize them well, and you’ll know exactly how to reinforce our message of fear and suppress dissent.

Remember all those phrases we taught you to use in early 2020, when we mandated lockdowns in response to your irrational panic about the Worst Disease Ever? Unfortunately, we haven’t had lockdowns for a while now, but rest assured that we’ll bring them back if “cases” rise too much, or if monkeypox gets out of control, or some new variant comes along, or some other scary thing. Then you’ll want to have the following phrases handy:

• Two weeks months years whatever to flatten the curve
• Hospitals are overloaded
• We’re in this together
• Stay home, save granny
• I like working from home
• Thank essential workers
• Six feet safe
• Follow the one-way arrows
• Lockdowns save lives
• Isolate/quarantine for two weeks
• Don’t cross state boundaries
• Clap for carers (popular in the UK)
• “Cases” are up

Then soon after lockdowns, we got you to overcome your fear of asphyxiation, and wear face masks that were completely useless in stopping viruses. Here are some of the phrases you can use to shame others into using your favorite virtue signals:

• It’s just a piece of cloth
• My mask protects you, your mask protects me
• Wear a mask indoors
• Wear a mask outdoors
• Wear one mask
• Wear two masks
• Wear a mask in a restaurant, except when seated
• Masks save lives
• “Cases” are up

Then we brought you the Glorious Goo: an experimental gene therapy with no long-term safety data, that doesn’t stop infection or transmission, and brought to you by companies that had either never produced a viable product before, or had previously paid billions of dollars in fraud fines. But we reassured you that the Glorious Goo was Glorious by using the following catch-phrases:

• Safe and effective
• Stops the virus dead in its tracks
• Prevents infection and transmission
• Adverse reactions just mean it’s working
• Only one jab needed
• Only two jabs needed
• Only one booster needed
• Boosters every N months (where N depends on country, e.g. in Canada N=9)
• Safe and effective (it’s worth repeating on an hourly basis)
• Trust the experts
• Follow the Science
• Would have been worse without the Goo
• Cases are up (always good to keep the fear alive)

Now, you might have heard some misinformation about people getting heart attacks, or strokes, or blood clots, or myocarditis, or just “dying suddenly” for no reason after injecting the Glorious Goo. But those are just coincidences! Here is a list of all the approved reasons why people are dropping dead unexpectedly:

• New kind of highly reactive chemical in earth’s atmosphere
• Hot weather
• Cold weather
• Climate change
• Caffeine
• Covid variants
• Energy bill price rise
• Falling asleep with the TV on
• Uncontrollable laughter
• “Safe” levels of alcohol
• Gum disease
• Skipping breakfast
• Vegan cheese
• Daylight saving time
• Erectile dysfunction
• Standing on one leg
• Breathing too many times a day
• Christmas Tree Syndrome
• Women’s use of sex toys
• Traffic noise
• Too much freedom
• Solar storms
• Sock lines around ankles
• Flight delays
• Certain sleeping positions
• Contact with soil while gardening
• Snow shoveling
• Post-pandemic Stress Disorder
• Being sarcastic
• Sudden gush of cold water in shower
• Long naps

But what about all those no-good bad evil terrible people who don’t wear masks and didn’t take the Glorious Goo? Well, we have a special category of hate phrases you can use against them during your Two Minute Hate on social media:

• Covidiot
• Anti-vaxxer
• Right-wing extremist
• Trumpster
• Granny killer
• Conspiracy theorist
• Racist
• Selfish
• Freedumb lover
• Murderer
• Anti-science
• Super spreader
• Misinformation spreader
• Pandemic of the unvaccinated

And here is a list of all the things that these no-goodniks shouldn’t be allowed to do. We’ve already implemented some of them, and some of them we really want to implement, if we can only get enough buy-in from ignorant legislators and health officials:

• Go to indoor concerts (thanks, Vermont!)
• Join singing groups (thanks, Vermont!)
• Leave the country (thanks, Canada!)
• Buy food (thanks, Noam Chomsky!)
• Fly on airplanes
• Go to restaurants
• Take public transporation
• Buy gas
• Participate in every part of society (we wish!)