A Message From Dr. Fauci
Greetings, worshipers of me, The Science™! It has come to my attention that some of you are starting to have doubts about The Science™, because it seems to change so darned often. But don’t worry! The Science™ changes for some very good reasons, all of which have to do with my maintaining and even increasing my level of power and control.
The first thing you should know is that despite not ever having treated a patient in my life, I’m America’s Doctor because I know what’s best for you, as all good doctors do. And what’s best for you is, coincidentally, what’s best for Big Pharma.
You see, I’ve spent my entire career making sure that Big Pharma gets all the support it can from me and my empire of grifters in academia and government. Otherwise Big Pharma would have to produce safe, reliable, and inexpensive products, and that would be a disaster for their profit margins.
So I’ve been pushing ineffective and even dangerous potions on the American public for decades. Not only does Big Pharma benefit from my generosity and propaganda on their behalf, but I benefit too, in the form of patent royalties and other perks. It’s a win-win situation for us!
As I mentioned, I’ve been practicing this form of deceit for a long time, so I’m really good at it now. Take, for example, my big push for AZT on AIDS patients back in the day. The stuff was super-toxic and killed more patients than it saved. But it was also a super-expensive cash cow for the company that sold it. I was able to make it seemed like the stuff worked by giving blood transfusions every couple of weeks to the AIDS patients who took it in clinical trials. Otherwise they would have died! Clever trick, wasn’t it?
Fast forward to 2020 and the Worst Disease Ever. Yes, I accidentally told some truth in the years and months leading up the general hysteria, when I said the following things:
- Natural immunity is great.
- Masks don’t work.
- Asymptomatic infection has never been the driver of outbreaks of respiratory viruses.
But I was soon reminded by my buddies at Big Pharma, and by the hysterical pleas by everybody and their uncle to do something, that I had to change The Science™ ASAP. So I started lying to people about masks, immunity, and asymptomatic transmission to get people to not pay attention to that fact that I had funded the engineering of the Worst Disease Ever.
That’s right! I laundered a bunch of money to the Wuhan Institute of Virology, through EcoHealth Alliance, so that they could experiment with creating more virulent forms of SARS. It worked great, except for the fact that the virus they created escaped the lab and started infecting people. So I needed to deflect attention from my crimes by recommending useless masks, lockdowns, and anti-social distancing – and eventually, useless experimental injections. That way people could see me as the ultimate representative of super-sciency scientific Science™, instead of a criminally corrupt and overpaid bureaucrat.
So stay tuned for more changing Science™! It’s changing so fast, you’ll never be able to keep up with it unless I, the ultimate representative of The Science™, keep feeding you lies about it. Also, don’t forget to be afraid, and make sure to watch your TV every day, where you’ll be sure to see me regularly.