Bring Back Lockdowns

Greetings, agoraphobics! Remember how great lockdowns were back in 2020? Well, we at the Ministry of Truth want you to know that they weren’t so great, actually, because they didn’t do squat for stopping the Worst Disease Ever. But there’s a simple reason why they didn’t work, and you’ll never guess what it is. Well, OK, here it is:

The answer is that we didn’t lock down hard enough, or early enough, or long enough. We should have taken a hint from the virtuous and super-sciency scientific Chinese, who welded people’s doors shut so they could enjoy lockdowns even more. We were too lax, and didn’t do enough last time. But don’t worry. Dr. Fauci warned that we might have more restrictions in the future, and we’ll be sure to do lockdowns harder, longer, and faster next time. It makes us excited just thinking about it!

Once again, we can take a lesson from the Chinese. The latest lockdowns in Shanghai are totally great, because nine million people are being kept safe from the Worst Disease Ever. OK, sure, some people are committing suicide, and some are dying because they can’t get to hospitals, and some are dying of starvation. But that’s OK, because a death from the Worst Disease Ever is the only death that counts. Even if a thousand people die from being locked down, it’s totally worth it if it saves just one death from the Worst Disease Ever. Besides, all those other deaths mean fewer people complaining about the lockdowns.

What’s even better about the new harder and longer lockdown in China is that pets are being killed to save people from the Worst Disease Ever. This is totally great, too, because we want people to be lonely and isolated and depressed, and pets can distract people from their misery.

So buckle up, citizens of the Land of the Free! The next lockdown is going to be pretty darned wonderful, and you should be asking the lying, corrupt people who run your state government to do something bold for your safety from the Worst Disease Ever.