A Message From Big Pharma

Greetings, compliant slaves and Pfaithful customers! Because we at Big Pharma care so much about you, we want you to know that we’re alarmed to hear that your Pfaith in our experimental, untested products seems to be waning. So pull up a chair and listen to our latest propaganda disguised as facts about our Glorious Goo.

Remember how we developed the Glorious Goo in 2020 in response to the Worst Disease Ever? And how we managed to get it approved in record time without long term testing? That’s because, as we said earlier, we cared so much about you that we couldn’t wait for those pesky long term trials to complete. We wanted you to get the Glorious Goo ASAP and save you from a certain death.

Also, remember when we said you were only going to need two jabs of the Glorious Goo? Turns out we lied about that. We knew the Goo had no lasting effect, but we cared so much about you that we knew we had to lie a little to get you to believe in the safety and efficacy of the Goo. Lying is OK if it’s for the greater good of our profit margins.

Also, remember when we said the Glorious Goo was safe and effective? Turns out we lied about that, too. You can still get or transmit the Dreaded Plague even if you’ve been Goo’d, and lots of people have died or been injured after being Goo’d. So what if “cases” are now higher in the Goo’d than the un-Goo’d? That’s not important. What’s important is to remember that we’re dealing with the Worst Disease Ever and that the Glorious Goo is Safe and Effective. Did we mention that the Goo is Safe and Effective? Well, it is! We said so, and we would never lie to you.

OK, yes, we paid billions dollars in fines for our fraud and lies in the past. But we’ve reformed! We promise to never lie to you again! Scout’s honor!

Also, you need to keep being afraid of the super-scary scariants of the Worst Disease Ever. OK, the scariants seem to be getting less scary because that’s what respiratory viruses normally do. But we’re trying to make sure that can’t happen again. You see, if everybody is Goo’d with our leaky Goo, then the Worst Disease Ever can evolve to escape our Goo and become even more scary. That’s the outcome we want, because then we can keep offering you boosters of our Glorious Goo.

Oh wait, we’re supposed to refer to the “boosters” as “updates” now. Whatever! It’s the same thing. If you don’t get the latest Glorious Goo, you’re going to endure a winter of sickness and death (thanks, Joe Biden, for those words of kindness). OK, it’s not winter any more, but it will be again soon. Keep being afraid!

Also, remember that the Glorious Goo is free! OK, we made billions of dollars last year from the Glorious Goo. But it’s free! That’s because, as we mentioned earlier, we care so much about you. Money means nothing to us and it should mean nothing to you, too. That’s why you shouldn’t mind if your government sends us lots of money for the free Goo.

Some pesky non-believers wanted to see all the data we accumulated in our safety trials. But we couldn’t let them have that data, because they might interpret it incorrectly. That’s why we wanted them to wait 75 years to get the data. They’d be dead by then and wouldn’t bother us any more.

But those darned courts made us release the data more quickly! So we’ve redacted the important stuff, because, as we mentioned earlier, we can’t let people interpret the data incorrectly. We have the One True Science, and that lets us come to the One True Conclusion about The Science. We are super-scientific and sciency scientists. You Pfaithful customers couldn’t possibly understand that sciency scientific Science. So you need to trust us completely about The Science.

We also want you to help out our friends in the PCR testing industry. You can do this by getting tested frequently for the Worst Disease Ever, preferably every day or even multiple times a day. Forget the old way of telling if you are sick: feeling sick. That’s not sciency or scientific at all! The only way to tell if you’re sick is to use a test that Kary Mullis, its inventor, said wasn’t designed to tell if you’re sick. What does he know? He’s dead! And so what if the test gives lots of false positives? Better scared than sorry! The more scared you are, the more likely you are to keep injecting our Glorious Goo. As we mentioned before, our Glorious Goo doesn’t actually stop you from getting the Worst Disease Ever, so you’re going to need to keep testing even after you’ve been Goo’d.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the Glorious Goo is, as we said before, totally Safe and Effective. So please get your next booster – oops, we mean “update” – of the Goo before you succumb to the Worst Disease Ever. And don’t forget to keep testing. And wear a mask that can’t stop the Worst Disease Ever but tells the world that you care as much as we do.