Verbal Abuse
This subsection contains posts I wrote as a secret blog during the period when I was dealing with verbal abuse in my marriage. I had to keep it secret in order to avoid endangering myself and my escape plan. The marriage ended in 2024, so I feel it’s safe to publish these posts now, in case they might help someone else dealing with abuse in a relationship.
A good place to start would be The Book-Throwing Incident.
Trust And Belief
When I am having trouble understanding or believing something my partner says to me, she’ll say, “Trust me, I’m right about this!” or “You don’t believe me!”. This is usually accompanied by additional angry words about how insulting it is for me to express any doubt. Here’s just one minor incident to illustrate this.
June 20, 2019
The Rental House Incident
#Verbal Abuse#Incidents#Punishment#Control
After my partner and I built a house together and I retired from my full-time job, I no longer needed the house I had bought when I first moved to this area. We decided it would be easier to rent that second house than to sell it in a very slow market, so I reluctantly found myself being a landlord. My handling of the communications with our future renter brought on an angry blast of verbal abuse from my partner, along with a vindictive punishment. This two-for-one pattern was starting to feel familiar by now.
June 18, 2019
Impatience
#Impatience#Control#Double Standard
My partner and I both get impatient with each other at times. I was guilty of this today when I was trying to explain to her how I had just managed to free a skunk from a Havahart trap without getting sprayed. She didn’t understand my explanation, and kept asking questions, and I made a huge mistake that I instantly regretted: expressing impatience with a sigh.
June 16, 2019
The Tyranny of Togetherness
#Verbal Abuse#Control#Balance#Double Standard
Before I did any reading about control and verbal abuse, I came up with a term for one pattern in this relationship: the tyranny of togetherness. In this pattern, my partner often expresses unhappiness with my desire or need to do some “fun” activities alone.
June 15, 2019
Threats
I’ve received a number of threats over the course of this relationships, ranging from emotional manipulation to physical threats. What follows is a partial list along with some context as way of explanation.
June 13, 2019
The Agreement
#Verbal Abuse#Agreement#Double Standard
If the verbally abusive man cannot begin taking the necessary steps to change, then he will not change. At the very least, if you present him with the Agreement and he refuses to accept or modify it appropriately, you will know that he cannot change. At least you will know that about him. –Patricia Evans, *The Verbally Abusive Man – Can He Change?"
June 11, 2019
Sex, Shame, and Celibacy
#Sex#Shame#Verbal Abuse#Celibacy
Abusive anger diminishes the partner’s desire for sexual intimacy. When this occurs, the abuser the accuses her being uncaring and unfeeling, and she may think that something is wrong with her. –Patricia Evans, *The Verbally Abusive Relationship" Switch the gender around in the quote above, and it certainly applies to me, and I don’t believe I’m alone in this.
June 10, 2019
A Calm Period
As Ann put it, “He loves me. He just doesn’t like me.” –Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship Earlier I wrote about cycles of abuse, and how there is always a calm period somewhere in the cycle. We’re having one now, and it suddenly got much better about a month ago. From the reading I’ve done, I think I understand why this happened.
June 9, 2019
More On Balance
I wanted to say more about balance in this relationship, especially when tensions are high and I’m on the receiving end of a continual string of verbal zingers. These are the times when many things seem out of balance.
June 8, 2019
Balance of Power
This post is about something that is only indirectly related to verbal abuse: the balance of power in relationships, and balance in general, and my experience of these things in my current relationship.
June 7, 2019