Visitors

I’ve observed a double standard in this relationship around visitors: when I have friends visiting (a very rare occurrence), my partner seems to feel threatened, abandoned, and jealous – or at least that’s my judgment, based on her dealings with me after the visit. But when her friends visit, or we visit her friends, she leaves me alone for long periods and thinks nothing of it. Here are couple of incidents that illustrate this pattern.

Three years ago, a close friend and her husband flew across the country to stay with us for a couple of days. This friend and I were very close for a number of years before she met her husband; our relationship was like a partnership, but without the romance and sex part. We worked together at three different companies, spent many of our days together, went on camping vacations together, and much more.

When she and her husband stayed with us, I tried my best to be a good host and pay attention to them, and they helped me prepare for a potluck party and bonfire that coincided with their visit. At one point her husband and I drove off together to get some beverages from the nearest grocery store, about eight miles away. I neglected to tell my wife about this trip beforehand, and when we returned, she got very upset and angry with me, saying I should never have left without saying anything.

The double standard here has to do with informing the other person about one’s whereabouts: apparently I must always let her know whenever I leave the house, even to go water plants in a greenhouse, but she doesn’t need to abide by this rule. I have numerous incidents illustrating this pattern that I can write about later.

There was another angry outburst during this visit, having to do with restaurant meals, that I can also write about later.

After my friends returned home a couple of days later, my wife continued her anger and criticism, saying that she had felt abandoned and alone during the visit, that she thought I was still in love with my former best friend, and so forth. I tried to explain that I had simply tried to be a good host, and I apologized for leaving the house without saying anything. Inside, though, I was thinking: it had felt good to actually exert some autonomy when I took the initiative to go buy beverages; I guess I can’t really have autonomy after all, or at least not without causing a huge upset.

The upset lasted for months afterwards, and was made worse when I decided against going to a party some of her friends were putting on a couple of days after my friends had left. After I caved in and decided to go the party after all, she continued with the angry treatment of me: she performed dangerous braking maneuvers on the drive to the party, apparently to scare me; and at the party she walked away when I asked to have a talk about what was upsetting her. The silent angry treatment continued for months afterwards, the only information being imparted to me was the implication that I was somehow to blame for everything, and that I must apologize in some unspecified manner (my repeated apology attempts having failed to solve the problem). One day, in mid December, I tried (but failed) to leave for a 30-day separation; more about that later.

The same pattern occurred the next year, after my youngest son and his girlfriend visited for a few days. Afterwards I was subjected to another blast of anger about abandonment, even though I had tried much harder this time to assuage my wife’s insecurity and pay her more attention during the visit.

Now to illustrate the other side of this double standard about visitors: earlier this week we spent a day and night at the seaside cottage of some friends of my wife’s. This mini-vacation was actually fun and stress-free, and I attribute this to the fact that we were visiting her friends and not mine, and the fact the she paid attention to these friends much of the time. Because I wasn’t the sole provider of her amusement and entertainment during this mini-vacation, the pressure was off, and I was free to have some quiet time to myself for napping and reading while she went off with her friends.

The double standard here is pretty obvious: when I have visitors, I must pay much more attention to my wife than I do to my visitors, but when she has visitors, it’s perfectly OK for her to leave me alone for hours at a time. The funny thing about this is that I actually enjoy being left alone for long periods, but apparently she feels abandoned with I’m gone for more than a few minutes.

I’m not sure if there is anything I can do about this situation, but it leaves me feeling trapped and controlled.