No Big Deal
Frequently my wife tries to get reassurance from me that her abuse of me is no big deal. In other words, she wants me to agree that constant criticism, throwing my books on the floor, threatening to smash my piano, using f-bombs, yelling, and all the rest of it, are just normal fights that married couples often have.
I’m pretty sure that she knows this isn’t true, and that she wants me to back her up in her denial. Here are a few reasons why I think this is the case.
She’ll occasionally say things like, “C. and G. are having trouble with their relationship, but we’re a lot better off than they are!” When I hear this, I want to say, “Did G. threaten to lock C. out of the house and smash her looms?” I’m sure the answer would be “no”.
After the book-throwing incident, she told me that she had told some of her (female) friends about what had happened, and that they unanimously agreed that her throwing my books on the floor (on two successive days!) was no big deal, and that my asking for a written agreement to stop the verbal abuse was crazy. Here again, I’m pretty sure that if these friends had been told that I was the one who had threatened my wife and damaged her property, they would have been horrified, and likely would have advised her to get a divorce or a restraining order.
In both of these cases, it’s pretty clear that she is trying to get confirmation from me and her friends that her behavior is not abusive. But here are two more reasons why she knows that she is abusive, and is choosing to be abusive:
She always treats me much better when there are other people around. This means she knows abuse is wrong and doesn’t want her friends to know she is abusive.
She gets terribly angry with me when she thinks I’ve told one of my friends about what happened. She’ll say, “You should always talk to me about our relationship first! I never tell my friends any details about our fights!” I know this latter statement is false; see the second case above. If she didn’t think she had done anything wrong, she would not be afraid of me talking to others.
So now the question I have to answer is this: Why am I willing to endure treatment that would likely get me a restraining order or divorce papers if the tables were turned and I did those things to my wife?