Trust And Belief

When I am having trouble understanding or believing something my partner says to me, she’ll say, “Trust me, I’m right about this!” or “You don’t believe me!”. This is usually accompanied by additional angry words about how insulting it is for me to express any doubt. Here’s just one minor incident to illustrate this.

I was working in the kitchen and observed out loud that I needed to fetch some more olive oil from the basement. She said that there wasn’t any more down there, but I was 99% sure there was, because I was the one who had fetched the last bottle, and had seen another one there. “No, you’re wrong. Trust me on this!”, she said.

I knew that continuing this discussion was a recipe for disaster. So I continued working for another half hour or so, then snuck down to the basement when she was not paying attention, found the supposedly non-existent olive oil, and brought it back up to the kitchen.

When she saw this, she said angrily, “You always have to be be right!” This seems like a rather unfair accusation, because it assumes that she knows what my motivations and thoughts are. I was not interested in proving I’m right; I was interested in facts. Also, it’s a response I would never dream of using against her. This is another example of the double standard: things that I would consider insulting and rude are used against me on on a regular basis.

I’ve had this same kind of “discussion” over other issues as well. One that happened last year around the time of the book-throwing incident was a disagreement about the trails we were planning to hike on. In that one, too, my memory of the facts was different from hers, and I was proved right when we consulted the map. Again, this provoked a minor angry outburst and no apologies.

I wish I could convey this idea to her: “I trust that you are telling me the truth as you know it, but I still want to verify the facts, because my memory on this subject differs from yours.” I don’t see why this should necessarily be so threatening, but I am guessing it stems from her treatment as a child by her domineering brothers. It disheartening to think that I will never be able to express even the mildest form of doubt or disagreement without receiving an angry outburst.