Impatience

My partner and I both get impatient with each other at times. I was guilty of this today when I was trying to explain to her how I had just managed to free a skunk from a Havahart trap without getting sprayed. She didn’t understand my explanation, and kept asking questions, and I made a huge mistake that I instantly regretted: expressing impatience with a sigh.

Understandably, this upset her. She said that she needs to ask questions when something doesn’t make sense, and that I get impatient with her a lot. I apologized immediately, said that I wanted to hear her questions, and offered to fetch a smaller trap that I could use to make my explanation clearer. She refused to accept this offer, and said that she didn’t want to hear my explanation. I repeated my apology and offer, but it was refused again.

It’s certainly true that I do get impatient at times (I’m not sure about a lot). But in thinking back on how we’ve dealt with impatience in the past, I realized she regularly uses this method of shutting down the conversation when she’s upset about something I’ve said. This has happened when she’s been impatient with me for not understanding her explanations or directions. She’ll say things like, “Listen to my words!” and “I’m not going to repeat myself, you just don’t understand.” So the conversation gets shut down in the same way it did this morning. In other words, the same shutdown happens whether it’s me being impatient or her.

I don’t think this is the way couples would normally settle disagreements or fights. I would expect there to be some accommodation for mistakes, an acceptance of an apology, and a continuance of the discussion. I could accept hearing something like, “This is too exhausting for me; let’s talk about it later”. I sometimes do hear this when I’m trying to explain something and don’t express impatience, but it didn’t happen this time, probably because I offended her with my impatienece. This means I need to be super-careful with what I say, and to be patient as a saint at all times. This may not be humanly possible, but it is a worthy goal to keep in mind.

This incident demonstrates another example of what I think of as a double standard in this relationship. If I’m impatient, I need to apologize and offer to make things right (the offer is frequently refused). If she’s impatient, it’s because I’m not listening. Either way, I’m in the wrong.