The Agreement

If the verbally abusive man cannot begin taking the necessary steps to change, then he will not change. At the very least, if you present him with the Agreement and he refuses to accept or modify it appropriately, you will know that he cannot change.

At least you will know that about him.

–Patricia Evans, *The Verbally Abusive Man – Can He Change?"

In the aftermath of the book-throwing incident, I read the book quoted above and liked the author’s idea of an agreement (a term which she capitalizes in the book). This is a sort of contract that both parties in the relationship can contribute to and then sign. The agreement would state things that both people will do and not do to each other; it’s like a detailed version of the Golden Rule.

I presented the agreement idea to my partner during a calm period, being very careful to point out that we would work on it together, and that we would both sign it. I tried to make it very clear that it was not just about her, but that I would also be bound to the agreement: I would agree not to be verbally abusive if she would also agree to that.

I forget exactly how the conversation went at this point, but she refused to craft an agreement with me. Then a week or two later, she told me that she had talked to some of her friends about my proposal, and they all thought it was a crazy idea. Her friends also told her that her throwing my books on the floor and kicking was no big deal and not abusive.

What this tells me is that I should not expect my partner to change, or to even acknowledge the verbal abuse.

It also demonstrates another example of a double standard in our relationship: she criticized me harshly for talking to one friend about my marital troubles, even though I told her I was careful not to give specific details to my friend, and mostly focused on my own feelings. Yet she felt free to talk to her friends, divulging very specific details about our conflict.

Another insight I gained from this was the knowledge that I cannot use another of Evans’s ideas: the intervention, where I would call together a meeting of my partner and some of my partner’s friends (since I have no friends of my own that I could ask) and tell them about the verbal abuse. It’s pretty obvious that this would be a disaster.

I have to solve this problem myself, without help from my partner. I can either leave the relationship, or stay and try to improve the situation by experimenting with altering my response to the abuse.