Sex, Shame, and Celibacy

Abusive anger diminishes the partner’s desire for sexual intimacy. When this occurs, the abuser the accuses her being uncaring and unfeeling, and she may think that something is wrong with her.

–Patricia Evans, *The Verbally Abusive Relationship"

Switch the gender around in the quote above, and it certainly applies to me, and I don’t believe I’m alone in this.

When I think back on this relationship, I think it may not be coincidence that my loss of interest in sex started around the same time that the verbal abuse started getting quite serious: that is, when shocking, angry outbursts were followed by month-long periods of “hypercritical mode” when I could do nothing right.

What makes this worse is that when I hear her comments about sex, and the lack of it, I feel plenty of shame about it. I am not blaming my partner for making me feel shame. I think what is happening is that the unkind comments trigger some of my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy about sex that precede this relationship. (This is a long story that I might write about another time.)

I don’t see a solution to this problem. I don’t think I can have sexual feelings for somebody who hurts me regularly by saying terrible things about me, and I don’t see that situation changing in the long term.

As an aside, I have a friend who is celibate by choice, because she feels that for her, sexual relationships are a dead end. She is probably the most physically affectionate and loving person I have ever met, so clearly her path works for her. (She also lives a day’s drive away, and I have not seen her in ten years, and I miss her terribly.) I have often thought that perhaps her path would also work well for me.