More About the Book-Throwing Incident

In my post about the book-throwing incident, I was using notes I had written soon after the incident. There are a few more details about that incident that I wanted to mention, about counselors, cycles of abuse, and trauma.

At one point during the big blowup, I suggested that we might want to see a counselor together. She dismissed this idea, as I mentioned in the earlier post, saying it was expensive and required more unwanted scheduling.

But then I suggested that maybe I should see a counselor on my own. This brought on an even stronger response. She said that I didn’t need a counselor, because she could tell me what was wrong with me. (She has an advanced degree in clinical psychology, so she seems to feel that this gives her the authority to do this.) When I persisted with this idea, she got a phone book and threw it violently down on the floor in front of me, yelling that I should go ahead and call someone right now. This was a ridiculous suggestion, obviously, and not only because it was already late at night, but because there was an implied threat in the violent action. The end result is that I still have not sought out a counselor; I have very little free time to myself, and I have to account for every extra hour that I spend away from home. I’m terrified of the reaction that I would receive if I did spend the time and money it would take to see a counsoler.

I also wanted to add something to my post about cycles of abuse, which is related to this incident. In this relationship, the big blowup is not followed immediately by a period of calm. Instead, there is a long period of a month or two, where the angry outbursts continue, but at a lessened intensity. Eventually the intensity dies down and the calm period returns. But during this post-blowup period I am continually bombarded with little bits of abuse that keep me discouraged and fearful, and with a constant sinking feeling in the gut, and a sense of dread and loss and sadness. When I’m outside on my own I during this period, I often walk around moaning and fighting back tears.

This leads me to a third point, which is that in our culture there seems to be little awareness that verbal abuse can cause long-lasting trauma, just as with physical abuse. I can definitely state that I am experiencing this myself. Even now, nearly a year after the book-throwing incident, I still jump and startle and cry out “What?” when she calls my name unexpectedly, expecially when I’m immersed in reading or writing. It seems to be an automatic reaction, and even though I’m aware of it, I can’t seem to suppress it.