Cycles of abuse

Most verbal abusers are filled with inner tension, which they periodically and unpredictably release with angry outbursts directed at their partners.

–Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship

As I mentioned yesterday, the verbal abuse comes in cycles:

• a calm period where things seem to be going OK (we’re in one right now)
• a gradual build-up of tension (more and more little zingers coming my way)
• a furious, stunning outburst of anger and verbal abuse

In this current relationship, the cyclical period is fairly long, perhaps one year on average between major blowups. But there might be smaller cycles with minor blowups in that period.

Later in the book quoted above, the author states that the abuse can get more serious over time, partly due to the fact that the “fix” (the angry outburst) never actually fixes the problem (the inner tension). This corresponds with my experience; the last serious blowup, the book-throwing incident, was the most frightening and traumatic of them all, so far.

Because the blowups are unpredictable, I’m always feeling a bit unsure and wary, even during calm periods. I can never fully relax or tell myself that things are finally fixed. The best I can do is try to come up with a better plan of action for when the next blowup occurs, because what I’ve tried in the past (cringing, defending my actions, arguing, explaining) hasn’t worked.