Defensiveness

One of the put-downs that I receive the most is: “You’re being defensive!” I have struggled for years with this one, because I keep thinking there must be some truth to it, and because my wife keeps telling me I have to change.

Yes, it’s possibly true that I am more sensitive to criticism than the average person. But then I start to think about the circumstances surrounding the incidents where I find myself reacting defensively, and doubt creeps in. In particular, in my previous relationships I never experienced this level and frequency of criticisms, corrections, and “advice”. In the early years of this current relationship, I used to think of my partner’s ugly moods as her “hypercritical mode” (I never mentioned this term aloud). These were periods, sometimes lasting as long as months, when I never seemed to do anything right and would be corrected or criticised or subjected to angry outbursts many times a day. So I would react with defensiveness because I felt unappreciated and unfairly treated.

I am now willing to believe that maybe it’s not reasonable for me to be criticized to this degree. I readily admit I’m not the perfect partner, but I also think I deserve some more tolerance and understanding for my mistakes and goofs, and less “advice” and angry outbursts when I fail at perfection.

Now that I’m a little less confused about this situation, I’m working hard at trying not to be defensive when the verbal abuse comes my way. It seems that the best defense is to not respond at all. Occasionally I slip up and react, and nothing good ever comes from that.

I once asked my wife to do what my piano teachers have done, which is to soften the criticism or correction by preceding it with a mention of the things that I have done correctly. She rejected this idea, saying it felt “artificial”. So I have given up hope that I can expect any better treatment. To be fair, I should mention that she does treat me better and sometimes even praise me when she’s feeling happy and satisfied with my actions, but this is usually only a brief period of calm in the cycle of abuse (more about that in another post).