Compassion

Reasons for behavior explain behavior. They don’t excuse the behavior.

– Ann Silvers, Abuse of Men BY Women

I understand that my partner’s abuse of me is a continuation of the abuse she suffered as a child. Her mother was physically and verbally abusive on a daily basis, and her brothers beat her up regularly and teased her mercilessly.

She has made huge strides in overcoming the trauma she experienced from this abuse. But she doesn’t seem to recognize that she is using some of her mother’s tactics on me. I brought this up in one “conversation”, and she denied that her yelling and book-throwing and cursing had any relation to her mother’s abuse. Instead, she said she was simply verbalizing her anger and accused me of trying to suppress her expressions of her feelings.

The result is that I now know it’s very unlikely that I will be able to explain to her how her abuse of me is hurtful. I understand more about how her pain and suffering has affected her, and how it is now being inflicted on me. But that doesn’t excuse the abuse. It simply allows me to feel more compassionate and less angry about the abuse.