First Post

I started this blog as a place to write about verbal abuse in marriage, and specifically from the point of view of a man being abused by a female partner. I realize this is potentially a controversial subject, so I want to make it as clear as I possibly can: abuse of any kind is harmful, no matter who does it. Recognizing and acknowledging that women sometimes verbally abuse men does not minimize or discount the abuse that women sometimes get from men. To repeat: all abuse is harmful.

It has taken me a long time to understand what is happening to me in my marriage. I was very confused at first: was I really guilty of all the bad things my partner said about me? Am I a terrible listener? Am I being defensive, and if so, is that always a bad thing? Am I too sensitive? Am I wrong to be taking “helpful advice” as criticism? Am I wrong to object to being yelled at, or being told “F*** you!” repeatedly, or having my books thrown on the floor and kicked? Do I just not understand how to be a good partner? Am I lousy at admitting I’m wrong? Am I wrong to talk to friends about my marriage?

I agonized over these and other accusations for years, until by chance I came across an article called “10 Things I Wish I’d Known About Gaslighting” (see the links under “Helpful Resources” at the left). I felt a shock of recognition as I read about this woman’s experience of being verbally and emotionally abused by her partner. My situation is not as bad as hers, but much of she wrote rang true for me.

This article gave me the toehold I needed to climb out of my confusion. I soon discovered other books and web sites about verbal abuse. One of the most helpful of these was a book by Patricia Evans called Controlling People. The book’s description of the abused partner as a kind of “Perfect Teddy” for the abuser gave me another shock of recognition.

Even with all the information I’ve acquired from my reading, I still haven’t figured out the best way to deal with the abuse, which comes and goes in cycles. I’ll write more about this as time permits.

Thanks for reading!